Noe Valley Voice April 1997


Few Notice Jesus on Twenty-Fourth Street

By Holly Toledo

Perhaps because of all the amazing phenomena surrounding the coming millennium -- St. Francis on a tortilla, Mother Teresa on an English muffin, and Madonna's baby's father on 24th Street -- when Jesus of Nazareth visited Noe Valley last month, he barely caused a ripple.

He was first sighted at the Wooden Heel, trying to redeem a pair of resoled sandals (he was carrying the store's Heel Club card -- Buy 6, Get 1 Free). Unfortunately, the new heels he'd asked for had been discontinued in 1642 A.D. When employee Bruno Magli offered a choice of a Cuban heel or a store credit, Jesus momentarily unleashed his almighty wrath but then calmed down, settling for a partial credit and some shoelaces.

He then proceeded to Bell Market, where he stacked his basket high with loaves and fishes. When he tried to take advantage of the store's five percent senior discount, however, the 1,996-year-old Western religious leader was forced to show ID.

"How was I supposed to know? He doesn't look a day over 33," muttered Bell manager Orville Redenbacher.

Next Jesus strolled over to the clothes store Joshua Simon, hoping to buy a coat of many colors. There he met fashion buyer Eve St. Laurent, who rent his garment to try to find out its manufacturer.

Down the street, a clerk at Streetlight Records mistook him for Donovan and started an autograph stampede. Running out into 24th Street, Jesus nearly commanded his soul to heaven once again, when a BMW driver with a cell phone ignored a stop sign.

Exhausted from his trials, he sat down at the counter at Herb's. He asked for a simple glass of water, which he promptly turned into a glass of wine.

"Now they've shut us down for not having a liquor license," lamented former waitress Delilah Gomorrah.