Local Bars Toast New Drinking Ban

By Jim Beam

As most Voice readers know, the state banned drinking in bars on Feb. 29, following the overwhelming success of its recent ban on smoking. So how are Noe Valley pubs coping?
Just fine, thank you. In fact, "How about a nice Hawaiian punch?" seems to be the new slogan at most local taverns.
Over at the Teetotaler at 24th and Vicksburg, bartender Patty O'Furniture says, "People get a choice of peanuts or beer nuts -- that's it."
But business is "just fine, thank you. How about a nice Hawaiian punch?" he chuckled, idly polishing his Winchester rifle.
Things were also hunky-dory down at the booze-free Sparrow and Puppy. "We've had four customers this week, and one even bought a Sprite!" bubbled Ariel the Little Barmaid. "Business is just fine, thank you. How about a nice Hawaiian punch?" she chirped.
Meanwhile, the jukebox at the Don't Go Inn was playing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to an all-but-empty room. The bar instituted lapsits instead of lap dancing, once it got word of the ban.
In other police state news, Officer McGruff recently arrested six people for chain-smoking longer than the seven-minute limit at the new smoking meters outside the Pitts (formerly the Peaks Tavern) on Castro.
One of the six is now in custody for giving McGruff a Hawaiian punch.