What Is Sex? Noe Valley Tells All

By Mr. and Mrs. Robinson

The Voice has learned that President Bill Clinton's lawyers conducted a poll in Noe Valley during the early days of the Monica Lewinsky scandal. The survey, disguised as an L. Ron Hubbard flier, was distributed in the laundromat at the corner of Church and 24th on April 1, 1998.
Of the 100,000 people doing their laundry, 469 took the time to fill out the questionnaire. To the relief of the White House legal team, the views on sex held by residents in this liberal stronghold almost exactly mirrored the president's. This information was later used to mount Clinton's successful impeachment defense.
Here are some high points from the survey, which the Voice recently obtained via the Freedom of Information About Sex Act. Take a look at what your neighbors had to say.
1. Which of the following falls within your definition of "sex"?
A. Backing into a parking spot on 24th Street while someone feeds the meter. (28%)
B. Finding a parking spot on 24th Street. (52%)
C.Having the clerk at Bell Market load my groceries into the trunk. (13%)
D. Riding on the J-Church when it couples with another car. (89%)
E. Coupling on the J-Church when it hits another car. (98%)
2. Where's the best place to meet a potential partner in Noe Valley?
A. Good Vibrations after a "loving discipline" seminar. (48%)
B. The pet grooming place across from Noe Courts. (3%)
C. The shoplifter photo display on the door of Just for Fun. (26%)
D. The baked goods table at St. Philip's carnival. (2%)
E. The bulk food room at Real Foods. (79%)
3. What is the thing that satisfies you most during sex?
A. Finding a two-bedroom apartment for $900. (78%)
B. Sipping a half-decaf, nonfat latte from Martha & Bros. (69%)
C. Watching a videotape of Celine Dion tripping at the Grammies. (99%)
D. Seeing the officers of Friends of Noe Valley pied by the Yuppie Eradication Project. (100%)
E. Eating fig bread from the Noe Valley Bakery. (82%)
4. If you were accused of infidelity, what would you do first?
A. Sort through my bag of clothes going to the dry cleaner's. (2%)
B. Deny having had sex with "that ice skater, Miss Lipinski." (1%)
C. Pack up the minivan (don't forget the double-stroller) and head for Mexico. (76%)
D. Have one last cigarette at the Rat and Raven. (13%)
E. Take my dog to the park and let him run off the leash. (Hell, my reputation's screwed anyway.) (8%)
5. What is your favorite sexual position or location?
A. The missionary position -- in the cemetery at Mission Dolores, of course. (3%)
B. Anywhere I can't hear those whining J-Church cars. (51%)
C. In the back seat of the 48-Quintara. (3%)
D. In the bulk food room at Real Foods. (43%)
6. What is your preferred method of birth control?
A. Walking past Natural Resources in the morning when the mothers-to-be are waiting for it to open. (24%)
B. Checking out the housing prices in front of B.J. Droubi's. (24%)
C. I don't practice birth control -- that's why I have a minivan. (41%)
D. Taking a close look at a sidewalk sushi display. (3%)
E. Same-sex marriage. (8%)
7. How many sex partners have you had in the past month?
A. None. (Um, does kissing my dog on the lips count?) (6%)
B. None. (I'm married.) (43%)
C. One. (And it was a damn good parking spot.) (18%)
D. Two (including the J-Church). (32%)
E. None of your business (that's between me and Mrs. Clinton). (1%)