Bush Begs Local Woman to Recognize Results of November Election

By McElligot Pool

The Florida Board of Elections, the U.S. Supreme Court, and recent privately conducted vote counts have all upheld the results of the 2000 presidential election. But don't tell that to Pat Dancy of Vicksburg Street.
"He may be your president, but he's not mine," Dancy insists. And until her doubts about the election have been addressed, a cloud of illegitimacy will hang over George W. Bush's presidency.
In an effort to remove this last hurdle blocking his ascendancy to the highest office in the land, Alleged President Bush made a personal appeal to the stubborn Noe Valley resident last month.
"I'm an untier, not a divisor," Bush wrote in an April 1 e-mail to Dancy [see related story, "Spell-Check Program Foils Chief Executive," page 93]. "Let's try to settle this question quickly in a biparmesan manner, so I can get to work on what the American people elected me to do: speed the transfer of wealth to the richest handful of my country-club buddies, forward the agenda of reactionary religious minorities, and laugh at California's energy crisis while the stock market plunges."
When her son relayed the message (Dancy doesn't own a computer), Dancy put her hands over her ears and began chanting loudly, "La-la-la-la-la, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Pending the results of this standoff, Washington will remain eerily quiet and devoid of government activity. Or at least it will seem so to Dancy, who imposed a strict moratorium on consumption of national news starting on Jan. 20 of this year.
More importantly, it may be some time before the matter is resolved. Dancy plans to further consider the election recount results, but only after she has finished arranging her collection of record albums. She says this process will only take three to four years, tops.