Noe Valley Voice April 1997


Pall Mall Riddled with New Stores

By Brad Pit

Controversy continues to rage over the development being constructed in the lot once occupied by the Second Spinach Dentist Church on the 3900 block of 24th Street. The proposed shopping area, christened the Pall Mall in honor of the cutest Beatle, has been a thorn in the side of the Friends of Neighbors for months.

"That name just burns me up," said Friends president Georgia Finnicky. "Some of us actually preferred Ringo."

The Pall Mall's retail tenants, however, should draw no fire. According to mall promoter Joe Cammell, the shops have been chosen on the basis of being unique one-of-a-kind businesses offering goods and services available nowhere else in Noe Valley:

Poise in the 'Hood: A charm school for local gang members, urban guerrillas, and curious wannabes. Classes include Having Your Gang Colors Done, Noebonics, 24th Street Swaggers and Struts, and Which Knife Do I Use?

Smoke Starters: If you've never been able to stand the smell of smoke, this support group is for you. You will be smoking, and enjoying it, within 10 weeks -- you'll wish you joined years ago! Special cigar workshops available.

The Jew's Inn (formerly the Bar Mitz-vah): Listen to "Hava Nagila" on the jukebox while eating cheeses of Nazareth and 300 varieties of matzoh balls.

Terra Firma Pottery: Handpaint your own or a friend's cremains urn. A thoughtful last gift.

Bacterium Emporium: A pet shop with a difference! Tiny, single-celled life forms are easy to take care of and guaranteed hypoallergenic. Why feed and walk a collie when you can sit and watch E. coli reproduce?

Past Lives Stock & Antiques: After a hypnotic regression consultation, the in-house psychic (who once was Cleopatra) will sell you back the treasures you owned in previous lives.

Skin Care for the Oughties: Children from birth through age 10 can begin an intensive personalized regimen of skin treatments to postpone early signs of aging, from tantrum lines to crybaby puffiness. Baby fat sculpting and liposuction also available.

Madam's Modems: This store offers custom-made Victorian lace computer cozies, chintz keyboard skirts, and embroidered mouse pads in all sizes (specify Maxi mouse pads, Minnie Mouse pads).

Muni Wraps: A shop selling fine art reproductions of Muni murals, including the primal "Pink Pygmies Undulating on a Turquoise Tapeworm," designed for the J-Church line.

Your Dirty Wrap: A 24-hour dry cleaners, specializing in Jimmy Cagney- era coats.

Wrap Soda in Blue: This concession features nutritious Orange Julius smoothies wrapped in an extra-thick blue corn tortilla (vitamin spikes extra).

Fish Wraps: Clothe your fish with our huge selection of back issues from the Noe Valley Voice.